Poem Three

Actions speak louder than words

Have you heard?

Or did you miss the motion, the gesture 

As you articulated your actions through your lips

Unequipped

 to let it fall down to your legs to your arms to your ability of make and get going 

You speak rather than showing

Big talk

Small results 

Time spent 

No interest collected 

Time spent 

Thoughts introspected

Big talk 

Small results

You say you're free

But not for me

You say you're free

You care 

But that time is not something you share

With me

You say you're free...

I wouldn't know. 

I haven't seen it. 

Time is slow.

You didn't mean it.

Not to show.

But it's been that...

way.

for at least a day.

or two.

or four.

But hopefully not many more.

Big talk 

Small results

Because you don't know how crippling my anxiety can be

Or what I hold back for thee

Or that I'm crying right now

How

How

How can you be so blind

Peace of mind

I hate poetry that has a rhyme 

I'm crying because I hate myself

I'm crying because I hate myself 

I'm crying because I hate myself and if I hate myself how could you ever love me

The object of someone else's hate 

Used 

Torn

Cracked

Not broken

But damaged

Abandoned

Shattered

Scattered

Maybe I am broken

And void

Maybe things would be different these two weeks if I wasn't delivered the news 

That news

The night terrors

The anxiety

I need to see a therapist 

I need to find the motivation to go

I have the motivation to go

I looked up the place

I have the website book marked

Why haven't I looked at the times

It's what I need

What I want

Why can't I be my own motivation

Why have I cried three times today

Why couldn't I cry last night when he raped me with his words

Why couldn't I cry

I sat in my car begging for the tears 

The well was dry

I am dry

I am barren 

I am loveless

I am a shell of two weeks ago

I feel needy and 

I feel helpless and

I'm a cunt

My father says so

I'm beautiful 

My rapist says so

I miss you 

You says so

But if you miss me why won't you make the time for me

My rationality

Is broken

I know the patient rational reasonable 

But that was two weeks ago

Today it's because I'm not worth time 

Unless my face is in a pillow

Tears stained in my soul

They didn't come

You did

I'm a fool

You know me

You don't know me

You helped me

For writing 

Was what I needed

I forgot about it a moment ago

And now the words are on paper

I wrote a poem about you on the trip home, in a plane, on a different plane

The plane of existence of two weeks ago. When life made sense. And I had control and power....

POWER.

In your fucking name you scum

I hurt

I hurt

I hurt

Then I hurt myself 

Then I saw myself

Then I saw you

You for you.

You are not him.

I know this.

You are not my crutch.

I know this.

Your words are truth.

I know this.

But I was lied to so many times.

So without action what are your words.

Two weeks ago they were heaven.

Today they are hell.

I said that for poetic imagery of opposites.

I'm not far from heaven. I'm in purgatory. I was just pushed back from paradise.

Maybe I didn't tell you what that phone call did to me. Or how hard it is to hold this experience before me.

I don't mean to me cryptic.

Challenges are more challenging when the cross I bear is heavy and there is blood dripping down my brow

My crown

King of fools

I am a fool 

I just didn't want to burden you.

I saw the cross you had was heavy, so I tried to help you pick it up. I would carry it for you if I could

If I could hide from you the weight of my own.

Look away

I dare not reveal....

But that's different.

I can't help but reveal.

And try to be transparent.

I try not to hide, but then my words jumble.

I stopped crying. 

I felt the salt in my noes.

The deep wailing of when I was younger and bruised and beaten. 

How could I love myself when no one else does.

I sigh. 

I sigh at my unrational mind biting at fragments.

FEED ME...no

I am who I am said I who am who she is

I love what I am and what I have to offer

Take it

Leave it

Because even when I hate myself I love myself more than you did

And when I love myself I love myself 

You never destroyed me.

I will fight

I will stay in control

Cards

On

The

Ground

Fallen

Displayed

Fallen

Delayed

Fully

Displayed

And all of this is mostly accurate 

And I feel better having written about it. It let me calm my mind. I have the conference for violence against women on college campuses tomorrow.

I'm debating sending this to you now or not

I haven't re read it

I don't want it to fall on deaf ears

I don't want to be vulnerable 

I am

I am vulnerable 

And it's challenging 

Because I'm afraid you will stop and turn away 

I don't want my problems to be your problems 

I don't want to effect us 

I don't want to pop the bubble 

I already popped the bubble

Pop

Pop

Pop

You 

Sigh

I scrolled up bc I wanted to reread what I wrote but then I scrolled right back down

Because I wanted to retain it as raw

Raw

Raw like the bone after it's been ripped apart by the savages

By the scavengers

I hope you're not one 

Because with you I am raw

A different kind of raw

I like it. 

I like the raw I feel with you.

Naked 

Mind

Body

Spirit

Mind?

Maybe only half in mind

I'm undergoing my own challenges.

I should share them.

Undress myself.

Naked mind

You cover things up when you don't want them to be seen

When you are ashamed

I am not ashamed 

It it's raw when it is naked

Not all of it is as well kept and groomed

This part is savage and has vines

Twisting 

Writhing 

Barbed 

Bruised 

Shriveled

Over-grown

Dense 

Raw

Naked

Let me undress myself for you

Before you 

Here I am

What do you see?

Poem Two

but then again i only knew the sides of him that he showed me.

i show the good the bad and the ugly.

i’m so open and honest.

it’s hard for me to survive in this dating world with all the ghosts and other monsters.

who are more comfortable behind a keyboard.

than behind the sheets.

and if you ask them what to do with a woman.

they’d rather fuck her.

than date her.

and forget the day where there was a wedding…before the bedding.

that’s shot.

like the last 5 arrows that pierced my heart.

Cupid… you left me bleeding.

they call me their angle, but my wings have been clipped.

i’m falling.

and gravity’s a bitch.

i fall fast and i fall hard .

but by the time i reach the ground, you’re gone.

i wish i were a cat.

not so i could fall on all 4 feet….the bruises sustain me, they remind me of the transgressions made against me, they remind me i’m alive, they remind me that i’m always healing

but instead i wish for the 9 lives of a feline so maybe one day i can forget. 

move on.

no longer be reminded of yesterdays sorrow, and finally live the joys of life’s tomorrow.

Poem one

Farm fresh, gluten free,  

I did it for the identity

Because everybody wants to be

A victim

Women’s rights grow iron clad

Perchance I did it for the fad

So you claim I’m going mad

A victim

I’m a hoax, it’s plain to see

That for a guise I go to therapy

There is no need for further clarity

A victim

It's just some excuse, I don’t want to work

Responsibilities that I can shirk

It’s nonsense to claim that ghosts do lurk

A victim

My words are imbued with apprehension  

So clearly it’s been done for attention

Because every other word I mention

A victim

You are right, called it spot on

Everything I say is wrong

Lies that are drawn out and long

A victim

But if everything you say is true

Then why do these memories stick like glue

Maybe the one who’s wrong is you

A survivor