Actions speak louder than words
Have you heard?
Or did you miss the motion, the gesture
As you articulated your actions through your lips
Unequipped
to let it fall down to your legs to your arms to your ability of make and get going
You speak rather than showing
Big talk
Small results
Time spent
No interest collected
Time spent
Thoughts introspected
Big talk
Small results
You say you're free
But not for me
You say you're free
You care
But that time is not something you share
With me
You say you're free...
I wouldn't know.
I haven't seen it.
Time is slow.
You didn't mean it.
Not to show.
But it's been that...
way.
for at least a day.
or two.
or four.
But hopefully not many more.
Big talk
Small results
Because you don't know how crippling my anxiety can be
Or what I hold back for thee
Or that I'm crying right now
How
How
How can you be so blind
Peace of mind
I hate poetry that has a rhyme
I'm crying because I hate myself
I'm crying because I hate myself
I'm crying because I hate myself and if I hate myself how could you ever love me
The object of someone else's hate
Used
Torn
Cracked
Not broken
But damaged
Abandoned
Shattered
Scattered
Maybe I am broken
And void
Maybe things would be different these two weeks if I wasn't delivered the news
That news
The night terrors
The anxiety
I need to see a therapist
I need to find the motivation to go
I have the motivation to go
I looked up the place
I have the website book marked
Why haven't I looked at the times
It's what I need
What I want
Why can't I be my own motivation
Why have I cried three times today
Why couldn't I cry last night when he raped me with his words
Why couldn't I cry
I sat in my car begging for the tears
The well was dry
I am dry
I am barren
I am loveless
I am a shell of two weeks ago
I feel needy and
I feel helpless and
I'm a cunt
My father says so
I'm beautiful
My rapist says so
I miss you
You says so
But if you miss me why won't you make the time for me
My rationality
Is broken
I know the patient rational reasonable
But that was two weeks ago
Today it's because I'm not worth time
Unless my face is in a pillow
Tears stained in my soul
They didn't come
You did
I'm a fool
You know me
You don't know me
You helped me
For writing
Was what I needed
I forgot about it a moment ago
And now the words are on paper
I wrote a poem about you on the trip home, in a plane, on a different plane
The plane of existence of two weeks ago. When life made sense. And I had control and power....
POWER.
In your fucking name you scum
I hurt
I hurt
I hurt
Then I hurt myself
Then I saw myself
Then I saw you
You for you.
You are not him.
I know this.
You are not my crutch.
I know this.
Your words are truth.
I know this.
But I was lied to so many times.
So without action what are your words.
Two weeks ago they were heaven.
Today they are hell.
I said that for poetic imagery of opposites.
I'm not far from heaven. I'm in purgatory. I was just pushed back from paradise.
Maybe I didn't tell you what that phone call did to me. Or how hard it is to hold this experience before me.
I don't mean to me cryptic.
Challenges are more challenging when the cross I bear is heavy and there is blood dripping down my brow
My crown
King of fools
I am a fool
I just didn't want to burden you.
I saw the cross you had was heavy, so I tried to help you pick it up. I would carry it for you if I could
If I could hide from you the weight of my own.
Look away
I dare not reveal....
But that's different.
I can't help but reveal.
And try to be transparent.
I try not to hide, but then my words jumble.
I stopped crying.
I felt the salt in my noes.
The deep wailing of when I was younger and bruised and beaten.
How could I love myself when no one else does.
I sigh.
I sigh at my unrational mind biting at fragments.
FEED ME...no
I am who I am said I who am who she is
I love what I am and what I have to offer
Take it
Leave it
Because even when I hate myself I love myself more than you did
And when I love myself I love myself
You never destroyed me.
I will fight
I will stay in control
Cards
On
The
Ground
Fallen
Displayed
Fallen
Delayed
Fully
Displayed
And all of this is mostly accurate
And I feel better having written about it. It let me calm my mind. I have the conference for violence against women on college campuses tomorrow.
I'm debating sending this to you now or not
I haven't re read it
I don't want it to fall on deaf ears
I don't want to be vulnerable
I am
I am vulnerable
And it's challenging
Because I'm afraid you will stop and turn away
I don't want my problems to be your problems
I don't want to effect us
I don't want to pop the bubble
I already popped the bubble
Pop
Pop
Pop
You
Sigh
I scrolled up bc I wanted to reread what I wrote but then I scrolled right back down
Because I wanted to retain it as raw
Raw
Raw like the bone after it's been ripped apart by the savages
By the scavengers
I hope you're not one
Because with you I am raw
A different kind of raw
I like it.
I like the raw I feel with you.
Naked
Mind
Body
Spirit
Mind?
Maybe only half in mind
I'm undergoing my own challenges.
I should share them.
Undress myself.
Naked mind
You cover things up when you don't want them to be seen
When you are ashamed
I am not ashamed
It it's raw when it is naked
Not all of it is as well kept and groomed
This part is savage and has vines
Twisting
Writhing
Barbed
Bruised
Shriveled
Over-grown
Dense
Raw
Naked
Let me undress myself for you
Before you
Here I am
What do you see?