Poem Three

Actions speak louder than words

Have you heard?

Or did you miss the motion, the gesture 

As you articulated your actions through your lips


 to let it fall down to your legs to your arms to your ability of make and get going 

You speak rather than showing


Big talk

Small results 


Time spent 

No interest collected 

Time spent 

Thoughts introspected


Big talk 

Small results


You say you're free

But not for me


You say you're free

You care 

But that time is not something you share

With me


You say you're free...



I wouldn't know. 

I haven't seen it. 

Time is slow.

You didn't mean it.

Not to show.

But it's been that...




for at least a day.


or two.


or four.


But hopefully not many more.



Big talk 

Small results


Because you don't know how crippling my anxiety can be


Or what I hold back for thee


Or that I'm crying right now




How can you be so blind

Peace of mind

I hate poetry that has a rhyme 



I'm crying because I hate myself

I'm crying because I hate myself 

I'm crying because I hate myself and if I hate myself how could you ever love me


The object of someone else's hate 








Not broken


But damaged








Maybe I am broken


And void


Maybe things would be different these two weeks if I wasn't delivered the news 


That news


The night terrors


The anxiety


I need to see a therapist 


I need to find the motivation to go


I have the motivation to go


I looked up the place


I have the website book marked


Why haven't I looked at the times


It's what I need


What I want


Why can't I be my own motivation


Why have I cried three times today


Why couldn't I cry last night when he raped me with his words


Why couldn't I cry


I sat in my car begging for the tears 


The well was dry


I am dry


I am barren 


I am loveless


I am a shell of two weeks ago


I feel needy and 


I feel helpless and


I'm a cunt


My father says so


I'm beautiful 


My rapist says so


I miss you 


You says so


But if you miss me why won't you make the time for me


My rationality


Is broken


I know the patient rational reasonable 


But that was two weeks ago


Today it's because I'm not worth time 


Unless my face is in a pillow


Tears stained in my soul


They didn't come


You did


I'm a fool


You know me


You don't know me


You helped me


For writing 


Was what I needed


I forgot about it a moment ago


And now the words are on paper


I wrote a poem about you on the trip home, in a plane, on a different plane


The plane of existence of two weeks ago. When life made sense. And I had control and power....




In your fucking name you scum


I hurt


I hurt


I hurt


Then I hurt myself 


Then I saw myself


Then I saw you


You for you.





You are not him.


I know this.



You are not my crutch.

I know this.


Your words are truth.

I know this.


But I was lied to so many times.

So without action what are your words.


Two weeks ago they were heaven.

Today they are hell.


I said that for poetic imagery of opposites.


I'm not far from heaven. I'm in purgatory. I was just pushed back from paradise.


Maybe I didn't tell you what that phone call did to me. Or how hard it is to hold this experience before me.


I don't mean to me cryptic.


Challenges are more challenging when the cross I bear is heavy and there is blood dripping down my brow


My crown


King of fools


I am a fool 


I just didn't want to burden you.


I saw the cross you had was heavy, so I tried to help you pick it up. I would carry it for you if I could


If I could hide from you the weight of my own.


Look away


I dare not reveal....


But that's different.


I can't help but reveal.


And try to be transparent.


I try not to hide, but then my words jumble.


I stopped crying. 


I felt the salt in my noes.


The deep wailing of when I was younger and bruised and beaten. 


How could I love myself when no one else does.


I sigh. 


I sigh at my unrational mind biting at fragments.


FEED ME...no


I am who I am said I who am who she is


I love what I am and what I have to offer


Take it


Leave it


Because even when I hate myself I love myself more than you did


And when I love myself I love myself 


You never destroyed me.


I will fight


I will stay in control























And all of this is mostly accurate 


And I feel better having written about it. It let me calm my mind. I have the conference for violence against women on college campuses tomorrow.


I'm debating sending this to you now or not


I haven't re read it


I don't want it to fall on deaf ears


I don't want to be vulnerable 


I am


I am vulnerable 


And it's challenging 


Because I'm afraid you will stop and turn away 


I don't want my problems to be your problems 


I don't want to effect us 


I don't want to pop the bubble 


I already popped the bubble












I scrolled up bc I wanted to reread what I wrote but then I scrolled right back down


Because I wanted to retain it as raw




Raw like the bone after it's been ripped apart by the savages


By the scavengers


I hope you're not one 


Because with you I am raw


A different kind of raw


I like it. 


I like the raw I feel with you.












Maybe only half in mind


I'm undergoing my own challenges.


I should share them.


Undress myself.


Naked mind


You cover things up when you don't want them to be seen


When you are ashamed


I am not ashamed 


It it's raw when it is naked


Not all of it is as well kept and groomed


This part is savage and has vines




















Let me undress myself for you


Before you 


Here I am


What do you see?