Poem Three

Actions speak louder than words

Have you heard?

Or did you miss the motion, the gesture 

As you articulated your actions through your lips

Unequipped

 to let it fall down to your legs to your arms to your ability of make and get going 

You speak rather than showing

 

Big talk

Small results 

 

Time spent 

No interest collected 

Time spent 

Thoughts introspected

 

Big talk 

Small results

 

You say you're free

But not for me

 

You say you're free

You care 

But that time is not something you share

With me

 

You say you're free...

 

 

I wouldn't know. 

I haven't seen it. 

Time is slow.

You didn't mean it.

Not to show.

But it's been that...

 

way.

 

for at least a day.

 

or two.

 

or four.

 

But hopefully not many more.

 

 

Big talk 

Small results

 

Because you don't know how crippling my anxiety can be

 

Or what I hold back for thee

 

Or that I'm crying right now

 

How

How

How can you be so blind

Peace of mind

I hate poetry that has a rhyme 

 

 

I'm crying because I hate myself

I'm crying because I hate myself 

I'm crying because I hate myself and if I hate myself how could you ever love me

 

The object of someone else's hate 

 

Used 

 

Torn

 

Cracked

 

Not broken

 

But damaged

 

Abandoned

 

Shattered

 

Scattered

 

Maybe I am broken

 

And void

 

Maybe things would be different these two weeks if I wasn't delivered the news 

 

That news

 

The night terrors

 

The anxiety

 

I need to see a therapist 

 

I need to find the motivation to go

 

I have the motivation to go

 

I looked up the place

 

I have the website book marked

 

Why haven't I looked at the times

 

It's what I need

 

What I want

 

Why can't I be my own motivation

 

Why have I cried three times today

 

Why couldn't I cry last night when he raped me with his words

 

Why couldn't I cry

 

I sat in my car begging for the tears 

 

The well was dry

 

I am dry

 

I am barren 

 

I am loveless

 

I am a shell of two weeks ago

 

I feel needy and 

 

I feel helpless and

 

I'm a cunt

 

My father says so

 

I'm beautiful 

 

My rapist says so

 

I miss you 

 

You says so

 

But if you miss me why won't you make the time for me

 

My rationality

 

Is broken

 

I know the patient rational reasonable 

 

But that was two weeks ago

 

Today it's because I'm not worth time 

 

Unless my face is in a pillow

 

Tears stained in my soul

 

They didn't come

 

You did

 

I'm a fool

 

You know me

 

You don't know me

 

You helped me

 

For writing 

 

Was what I needed

 

I forgot about it a moment ago

 

And now the words are on paper

 

I wrote a poem about you on the trip home, in a plane, on a different plane

 

The plane of existence of two weeks ago. When life made sense. And I had control and power....

 

POWER.

 

In your fucking name you scum

 

I hurt

 

I hurt

 

I hurt

 

Then I hurt myself 

 

Then I saw myself

 

Then I saw you

 

You for you.

 

 

 

 

You are not him.

 

I know this.

 

 

You are not my crutch.

I know this.

 

Your words are truth.

I know this.

 

But I was lied to so many times.

So without action what are your words.

 

Two weeks ago they were heaven.

Today they are hell.

 

I said that for poetic imagery of opposites.

 

I'm not far from heaven. I'm in purgatory. I was just pushed back from paradise.

 

Maybe I didn't tell you what that phone call did to me. Or how hard it is to hold this experience before me.

 

I don't mean to me cryptic.

 

Challenges are more challenging when the cross I bear is heavy and there is blood dripping down my brow

 

My crown

 

King of fools

 

I am a fool 

 

I just didn't want to burden you.

 

I saw the cross you had was heavy, so I tried to help you pick it up. I would carry it for you if I could

 

If I could hide from you the weight of my own.

 

Look away

 

I dare not reveal....

 

But that's different.

 

I can't help but reveal.

 

And try to be transparent.

 

I try not to hide, but then my words jumble.

 

I stopped crying. 

 

I felt the salt in my noes.

 

The deep wailing of when I was younger and bruised and beaten. 

 

How could I love myself when no one else does.

 

I sigh. 

 

I sigh at my unrational mind biting at fragments.

 

FEED ME...no

 

I am who I am said I who am who she is

 

I love what I am and what I have to offer

 

Take it

 

Leave it

 

Because even when I hate myself I love myself more than you did

 

And when I love myself I love myself 

 

You never destroyed me.

 

I will fight

 

I will stay in control

 

Cards

 

On

 

The

 

Ground

 

Fallen

 

Displayed

 

Fallen

 

Delayed

 

Fully

 

Displayed

 

 

And all of this is mostly accurate 

 

And I feel better having written about it. It let me calm my mind. I have the conference for violence against women on college campuses tomorrow.

 

I'm debating sending this to you now or not

 

I haven't re read it

 

I don't want it to fall on deaf ears

 

I don't want to be vulnerable 

 

I am

 

I am vulnerable 

 

And it's challenging 

 

Because I'm afraid you will stop and turn away 

 

I don't want my problems to be your problems 

 

I don't want to effect us 

 

I don't want to pop the bubble 

 

I already popped the bubble

 

Pop

 

Pop

 

Pop

 

You 

 

Sigh

 

I scrolled up bc I wanted to reread what I wrote but then I scrolled right back down

 

Because I wanted to retain it as raw

 

Raw

 

Raw like the bone after it's been ripped apart by the savages

 

By the scavengers

 

I hope you're not one 

 

Because with you I am raw

 

A different kind of raw

 

I like it. 

 

I like the raw I feel with you.

 

Naked 

 

Mind

 

Body

 

Spirit

 

Mind?

 

Maybe only half in mind

 

I'm undergoing my own challenges.

 

I should share them.

 

Undress myself.

 

Naked mind

 

You cover things up when you don't want them to be seen

 

When you are ashamed

 

I am not ashamed 

 

It it's raw when it is naked

 

Not all of it is as well kept and groomed

 

This part is savage and has vines

 

Twisting 

 

Writhing 

 

Barbed 

 

Bruised 

 

Shriveled

 

Over-grown

 

Dense 

 

Raw

 

Naked

 

Let me undress myself for you

 

Before you 

 

Here I am

 

What do you see?